Reflection on Singlehood

When you've been with the same partner for several years,

and you progressively realize that the paths no longer seem to align,

my authentic self pushes me into deep reflection.

No decisions are to be taken lightly.

Relationships can be fixed.

My parents' generation seems to find pride in celebrating decades of togetherness.

My patients love sharing numbers with me. Married 25, 30, 50 years!

Those numbers are impressive if... 

If they want to be together.

If they are aligned.

If they've overcome hurdles and made it better.

Less impressive if they can't stand each other, and stay together because they have to...

So when you see clearly that both paths are no longer aligned,

there follows a sense of relief, and the start of a new chapter.

A deep dive into the unknown,

onto a new path that can feel somewhat confronting.

I have more time to reflect... 

Do I have a strong network?

Did I spend enough time with my friends when I was in the safety of a relationship routine?

As an introvert, I feel confronted with filling the void of predictable company. 

Confronted with the unpredictable...

Confronted with the possibility of rejection, as the members of my network are on their paths, with their partners, safe in their patterns.

How often is considered a normal frequency for social activities for adults?

Although I feel comfort in solitude, fear of loneliness surfaces just a little.

There is also this thing called mourning, 

Although the decision is clear, and for the best.

Emotions flow...

There is sadness that it didn't work out.

Disappointment in how it ended.

But my network reminds me that some things we cannot control.

Therefore, closure has to come from us.

Expectations bring disappointment, which then adds resistance to this mourning journey.

It's ok to mourn...

Emotions flow...

My motherhood mantra is to be a model.

You don't have to tell your kids how.

Be the HOW!

Modelling a healthy relationship to my daughters is one of those "hows" I wish I could do better.

I wanted to show them I've got this figured out,

that I have great antennas for finding a good match.

I feel that I could have done better in that department.

But I realize that I've also shown them,

that when things get difficult, you have options.

And embracing a challenge can bring out the strengths of both partners,

in trying to make it work, and in believing

that every hurdle overcome can add strength and intimacy to the couple.

And sometimes it's also ok to accept that paths take different directions.

It's ok 

So instead of  giving them impressive numbers,

I show them that I am aware,

I am conscious,

and I choose to be authentic, present and fulfilled.

Emotions flow...

More questions surface...

Is a relationship ending a sign of failure?

Failing to choose the right partner?

Failing to make the relationship work?

Failing to be a good partner?

Will I feel love again for a partner?

Am I lovable?

They are just thoughts...

This new status welcomes a combination of peace and the unknown.

It brings out insecurities.

It confronts you with who you are,

and where you want to go,

knowing that nothing is guaranteed. 

But at the end of the day,

the only way you can go is in alignment with yourself.

And along that path, if you keep doing what you love, if you are kind and grateful,

you have to believe that a new and fulfilling normal will settle in,

and that the path will be a safe and nurturing one.

I am grateful for this past relationship.

No one is good or bad.

Paths take different turns.

And to resist is to deprive yourself of your authentic path.